Finding Your Voice

"My young life burnt me alive. 
The poet came from the ashes but the words came from the fire."
Atticus 


There were many moments, days, minutes and hours of my life 
where
I knew and felt
the realness of my silence 
and the depth of the sadness, 
self consciousness, 
isolation, 
humiliation, 
guilt, 
shame, 
weakness, 
fear, 
and 
heaviness 
weigh on me like a weight I had never felt in my life 
nor carried. 

The feeling that I wanted freedom
 so badly my heart heart 
yet the collusion of feeling pure
 helplessness, 
defeat, 
weariness 
and smallness 
that seemed to keep my feeling that the darkness I was in was suppose to be my home 
& that I was undeserving of the light i was so desperately yearning for. 

I once was a fearless girl...
I was a girl that made many mistakes shamelessly and in my own time
...I didn't back down, 
didn't rattle my voice for anyone 
and even when i was wrong, i stood strong in my own defense. .... 

but in this darkness
I lost it...
I in fact began to believe that whether
 i spoke in right or wrong that my voice wasnt worthy of being heard nor defended any longer . 

Not by anyone, not even by myself. 

Layer by layer
 my voice was dug into the earth and mud upon mud was packing it down. 

On the days I felt my strength and my power creep back in,
I would try to uncover it 
 but by the time i felt progress and made a dent ...
someone else began to convince me it wasnt even worth it, 
useless to try to uncover and to put down my shovel
and accept the fact that it just "is what it is"  
and after a while- 
I just stared at the shovel as it gathers dust 
& at times only would pick it up To began to bury it myself
 due to the confusion that someone elses lies became my own truth 
and that even if I was knee deep digging ... I was the closest I would ever get to it. 

After I began to awaken, 
I began to pursue my shovel whole heartedly...
some days in anger that I had to dig so deep to find it, 
others it felt raw, real & heavy on my heart and soul and coated in sadness 
that my voice was buried so deep to even fathom 
and other times
 I dug in my full power and with fierce intention to gain back what was rightfully mine.... 

dug 
and dug 
and dug 
and got through the muck to the beauty...
which was my truth, my power, my worth, my healing, my authenticity, ultimately my life.

Dig ... dig ... dig . 
It's not always a fierce, loud and epic journey to find your voice 
sometimes it's as much as you care bare and each day gaining strength
some days it's taking care of yourself enough to know it's not a day for digging 
yet just of loving and applying grace to your journey . 
Regardless of the pace and the sound... 

Pick up your shovel and slowly begin .... its time. 

You are so worthy of this. 

There is no time frame to healing but I do know many that would help ya dig as well as watch your powerful self dig and be by your side to see you thrive, accompany your journey as you heal, and empower you to roar 

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