So Very Alive

"I hope there are days 
where you fall in love 
with being Alive." 

Back in the day,
There was a time that I didn't fear death 

and would've welcomed it if it knocked on my door . 

Today -- 

I want to live so deeply and breathe it all in
the obstacles,
 the breathtaking memories, 
the laughter,
 the heart throbbing and butterfly encounters, 
the unknown, 
the days of celebration and of grief, 
and the normal day to day life I live...

 when bed time comes too soon and the moon tells us it's time to rest for another day ahead ! 

I am grateful that there is someone much bigger than myself 

who took the unseen but felt reigns of my life 
and protected me,
 and shifted myself to my knees to hear "there's more to life than this." 

I'm also so thankful for the rays of light, humans that were my angels on earth, that listened, loved me, and allowed me to roam as they stood loving me from afar. 

There was so much more, it took me standing in the muck for so long and become weary of continually sinking and falling back in to realize I needed to get the f out ..... 

Today -- 

I took a half day for self care and Me time - 
which consisted of a little bit of everything that I needed to refuel 
(including toasted marshmallow flavored whip cream- mindblown) 

 I have hard, heart aching, bewildered and "this needs work" moments and days
 .... but I get to live them to have them. 

I get to live to
to awaken, 
to laugh, 
to cry, 
to continue educating myself 
and to remain open 
and to have the honor of looking into the eyes 
of so many familiar faces 

that mirror different versions of myself and resemble exactly why I walked the various paths in life that I did . 

That darkness makes it possible for me to in many instances say , "I get it ."

 Those moments I never fathomed would have a beautiful and meaningful aftermath. 

"How in the world is this ever going to be beautiful?"

Today I took in the sunshine,

 thanked the Creator for my life and for my ability to not be numb 
and that I now have the capability to breathe in and witness beauty and growth 
in my home, 
my workplace, 
with my family 
and in my connections with others. 

I get to stare into little bright blue eyes of my brave human who changes my view on all I take for granted 
and who can literally love more than I find imaginable.
I have connections with humans that feel like my own blood and who see me, for all I am. 
I am able to use my voice to speak my truth and hear the stories of others who are surviving and who have survived and are thriving and absolutely rocking it out- when no one told them they could.
 I have the capability to LOVE fiercely and feel intimately connected by even conversations. 
I am free and am a single woman who is not scared, in pain, contained and being abused any longer.

I have a family that is small but mighty and have seen each other through many many difficult days, and I have a life that is so beautiful . 

I have a life that, even on the difficult days, I want to live ...

Messy- busy- but so beautiful. 

Today I'm grateful for life & that I am hear to feel that gratitude in every inch of my body so clearly. 

Half day Me Day --- thank you for getting me present and grounded once again.

I'm sending you

 love and bravery, 
even on the difficult days, 
to stick it out, 
reach out beautiful people 
and know you are so not alone 
and you are so worthy of living a life that you can find the rays of sunshine in, even in the rain. 

 Find someone to be by your muck so that when you are ready ... they will help you out or cheer you on as your empowered self fights your way out!

The Soul Grind 


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