If I Knew What I know Now- Leaving an Abusive Relationship

"To not have your suffering recognized is an almost unbearable form of violence." 
Andrea Lankov

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someones inability to see your worth."

 I was about to become a momma.

My life had also completely shifted and was being rocked and rolled in so many different directions .

An emotional roller coaster and not the "beautiful" first pregnancy experience that I imagined while playing house as a child or when cuddled up at slumber parties...

 yet, it was actually the complete opposite: 
filled with 
 fighting and criticisms
 diminished self worth
 constant feelings of neglect
 and actual abandonment 

and without my little humans kicks reminding me, 
it would've felt utterly and painfully, 
dark and like complete exile and loneliness.

Those that love me during this 9 months and beyond,
 thank you from the bottom of my heart- 
because you held and hugged and listened and poured radical love on my weak spirit and growing body and soul
 & helped me continually find ways to make my first pregnancy, memorable 
& those moments are what I hold tight to.

...if I knew, than, what I know now...

I would've been so much more 
and tender
 and caring
 to myself
- this young lost girl carrying 
her greatest blessing 
and her first born...

& I would have empowered and lifted up 
her weak spirit, 
her defeated and wounded heart, 
her aching body 
and her depleted soul....

I would've told her to speak her truth 
and stand in her power 
and to shake off the words, 
physical actions 
and harsh judgments of others. 

I would've told her that she would be able to do this 
and fiercely, as a matter of fact,
 and with passion and love 

 I would tell her to love on herself,
 treat herself, 
and thoroughly enjoy her first pregnancy. 

I would've told her to believe in herself 
and not internalize others words and make them her own 
 & I would have told her 
 "everything would be alright and actually more beautiful than she ever imagined."

I would also tell her, she was beautiful, continually 
& that pregnancy does change your body
but its a beautiful transformation. 
I would have told her to not look in the mirror and hear his words and his touch on your skin when comparing the body, of not caring a child, to a body of carrying a child 
 i would've told her to rock those maternity clothes 

I would've told her that she will have loving support, 
that people will come along her side to battle life with her and to celebrate with her,
 and she will find a way to
 make it 
and to achieve her goals and dreams. 

I would have told her that she knows much more about loving her own little human than she could have ever imagined and that everyday she will learn something new. 

I would have told her to keep her head up 
 & that she, in the end, will rise from all of this.....

I would also tell her to trust her intuition and go with her heart and what she knew, without others manipulation, what was right.

 I would've told her that "No" is a beautiful word and she should add it to her vocabulary. 
I would've told her to stand up for herself 
and to value and cherish her body 
& the environment she surrounds herself in. 

I would've told her to listen to her loved ones when they had concerns. 
I would've told her that "love" doesn't force you to do things, doesn't physically place harm on you in any shape or form.

 I would tell her that love doesn't use
 "Im Sorry & it wont happen again"
 in continual day to day conversation. 
I would tell her love doesn't use 
manipulation and fear, 
as a way of 
"getting a point across" 

 love doesn't scream at you
 doesn't call you names- 
that wouldn't even call your worst enemies, 
while laughing and ending with "just a joke" 

 love doesn't point out your insecurities 
and shame you for not being perfect
love doesn't rage over anything and everything
love doesn't hide you from the world and those you love
love doesn't make you feel small so they can feel big
love doesn't mock your passion and your goals 
and tells you they aren't achievable
love doesn't leave continually and 
solely just come back to feed their selfish desires 
and I would tell you that walking away
and choosing to listen to your voice
....is not weak and does not make you the
 "bad guy" 
 It is powerful and every humans right. 

I would most importantly tell you that , 
& that you are worthy to be treated with respect 
and have love poured on you.

I would tell you that all this and more....

& than tell you lovingly that all this...isn't actually love, at all.

I would tell you, even the hardship and pain of your heart aching, because you fell for the antics, upon walking away... will be much more
 and more breathtakingly beautiful
 than you ever imagined.

I would also tell you, that all you felt you were before, and all the strength and independence you thrived with previously, that you felt was lost forever.... 

comes back

& that voice voice you felt was lost
comes back
& even stronger 
& you have the strength, now, to use it
& to empower others...

I would most like to tell her..
that she is worthy. 
so worthy. 

Today, I am free of Abuse for now over 1 year and 1/2.
When I left, I wouldn't be telling you that I would celebrate this day, because it was a painful experience. The healing definitely can be just as painful as the wound- but the freedom is even more beautiful than it is imagined upon walking away.

I cant go back and tell myself all of this....but I can tell others.

I hear you survivors. 
I see you. 
Man, I feel you. 

& for those who are contemplating walking away, 
finding their voices and also standing up for their worth

.....I challenge you to only listen to that voice...

tune the other lies and manipulations 
and "comfort" excuses out 
and choose to live a life of freedom
 and of authenticity

 Choose NOW to love yourself enough to set yourself free and to experience life in a beautiful and breathtaking way... 

you do not deserve to be shackled. 
You deserve to see love and experience love...

the kind that doesn't hurt.

You are worthy.

If you know or speak to anyone that is in this struggle... be that loved one that speaks their truth, that can sit with them and bring awareness to the things they many not be able to see themselves, because they are so heavily intertwined. 

Do this in LOVE and choose to be an advocate for their healing, their resiliency and their worth.

They have to walk away
 but you can be there while they contemplate, while they struggle to dig up their voice and while they find their truth & when they finally do make this step and leap ... you can be their to celebrate them and to be apart of this journey and be a witness to the unfolding of their soul radically and powerfully relive again.
I wouldn't want to miss that.


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