Rainy days- Reflect on your past life.

"History is not a burden of the memory 
but an illumination of the soul." 
Lord Acton

Today, the Rain, in itself, 
shook me up. 
& I found myself, 
rolling down the window, 
and feeling the rain pour 
as I released my clamped fist. 
& just let go 
reflected on my past. 

This song, has been rocking my world the past 24 hours... 
and I've been intentionally  
jamming to it- feels good to my soul.  

Pulled into a parking spot
Grabbed my coffee on my rain kissed hand 
pulled up my feet, off the pedals 
pulled them against my chest
& weeped

This song, is like reminiscing through my life.
& I don't mind the few obscenities that
add emphasis to the impact of those chapters. 
& the obvious passion in his voice, during his soul grind. 

“I think happiness went the other way
Sometimes you just have to wait
I never believed in God
But things got so fucked up
That I had to pray…
Thinkin', everything will be all right
If we could get through the week
Maybe see another Saturday
I had a brown paper bag
St. Ides in that motherfucker
Around the city we smash
5-0 comin' then you know I'm running
Crawl into broken fences, when shit gets hard
You know who your friend is
And when I lose perspective
Need to go to a place where I lose reception
Looking at the satellites pass by
Reflecting on my past life
I can barely remember last night
Another morning, swearing it's the last time
Where would I be?
We can't start over, you don't get a new ID
I know the devil fancy me

But that don't mean the motherfucker get to dance with me”  

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis- St. Ides 

Almost 5 years ago
I left a doctor, just as today
& it was raining- just as it is today
and I got in a car and had the awakening of my life 

I curled my legs up against my chest
sat in a parking spot
as the rain poured on my car windows
& i weeped
just like today

That morning next to me was 
abortion, adoption, and pregnancy paperwork in my passenger seat
with release paperwork from the hospital stating I was pregnant
a phone that was dying & a pack of cigarettes
At this moment
I was rehearsing my previous months and year
& was weeping in deep fear
that it was never going to be alright 
that i was so messed up
that i was so unhappy
how could I be a mother? 
that i had no support 
what would my child think of me? 
"I never believed in God
But things got so fucked up
That I had to pray…" 

The sky had a dark tint that day also
I loved that 
if felt though no one else understood, the sky did. 
me & God & the universe bonded that day,
in the confines of my car. 
-just like today

as i starred out the window
marveled at the rain, 
which was welcoming my tears
 I wrapped my arms around my weak body
and rested my head against the steering wheel 

the sky and I were the same

That day 
i didn't mind walking in the rain 
or feeling it grace my skin
it seemed to wash away all the 
and dirtiness
 that i felt
and it cleansed me

the rain welcomed my skin with
"awaken beautiful soul..."
its time

That day, 
I didn't mind the rain
it suited me 
& felt like, the universe, understood

the rain felt like such comfort 
& a reason to allow myself to weep 
because the sky was, wasn't it?
I thought so. 

Today, as I parked...
curled up with my coffee & graced my hand against the rain
I had another awakening, just like that beautiful day 
& me and the sky bonded, once again
in the confines of my car

I reminisced over the past year and few months 

First, I looked at my passenger seat
& today there was pre- k enrollment paperwork 
dirty tennis shoes from hiking
a journal full of my heart & journey
headphones and a laptop
& my phone, fully charged, 
full of love from those who surround my life 
-who check in with me this morning and last night 
& poured some radical love on me

That's when the weeping began...

As i let the rain hit my hand
I felt the same awakening
the same cleansing 
& the same "come to jesus" moment
- this time in ultimate gratitude

In both moments
than & now
I found beauty

Than, in knowing, I loved the being in my belly
& I was about to radically change my life
-a shift. 

Today, in knowing, my life has made some beautiful leaps and bounds
surrounded by beautiful people

We have come a long way.
& the sky understands

This weeping was a different feeling.
it was allowing myself to feel
allowing myself to reminisce
and allowing myself to see our life, 
& the woman i am today
& not that woman
at that place of darkness 
& defeat
I was able to see the beauty that would have filled 
that woman's empty holes 
& that would have answered her many questions

I wish today, 
I could sit next to that woman
about to encounter a very difficult
and beautiful journey
& hold her 
show her a picture of the little man 
& the beautfiul soul he becomes
allow her to cry 
& take a drive
help her release her clutched hand into the rain
& tell her, "Its going to be alright." 

but that's a journey i had to endure 
& how beautiful it is to sit in the same place
with a much different shift. 

This time, spent in my car, today
was in reflection
of the last years journey

A year and 6 months free of Abuse 
I walked away from my abuser 
I became a Survivor
I chose my voice over submission and silence 
I began healing

A year and 3 months 
Living a Sober Lifestyle 
Choosing to reroute my numbing techniques
and shift my lifestyle 

A year and a few months
I chose to continue my education
Pursue my goals
get a second degree 

A year ago
A life shift happened
We found peace in the battle 
we grew 
Today, we see 
& gratitude. 
& safety. 

I sat in my seat today
with the rain
for many different reasons
I wept with that woman
& I wept with this woman. 
& I  RADICALLY love them both. 

I think these woman would've loved each other
This woman, the woman I am now...
would've loved on her, 
held her, supported her & empowered her
& I think that woman, than, 
 would've admired and felt very proud of this woman

My favorite part of St Ides Lyrics by Macklemore is...
"I know the devil fancy me 
But that don't mean the motherfucker get to dance with me” 

Some times 
life just seems to be 
storm after storm 
battle after battle
trial after tribulation
and you are just 
& praying
or screaming 
& so restless 
& so defeated 
& on your knees asking for ....
the calm

I have had storm after storm...
Battle, after battle after battle
& some days Im like...
alright, where is the calm after the storm? 

& sometimes it rains on purpose
to allow yourself to sit
curl up 
hold yourself
 fall to the ground
extend the clutched hand 
and let the rain pour grace on you 
and an offer an opportunity to find
your calm 

Even just for a minute
before work
before a class
before picking up the kids 
before a meeting
after the kids go to bed
while parking the car
on a break 

Let the rain 
& grace
of silence
pour love on...
your restlessness
your warrior mode
your defeat
your pain 
your heartache
your storm
your grief 
your journey
the person , you are today. 

For a minute 
release that tight fist
roll down the window 
as the rain pours
take a break from the fight 
& embrace the sword of love
and stick your hands out
release a sigh, cry, or scream of relief
& allow yourself to feel 
& reflect 

allow the universe to love on you
& allow you to reflect 
on your  
beautiful journey
of who you are, where you have come  
and the soul you are...today 

There is beauty in your struggle
& your fight, loves. 
Allow yourself to dig deep, so that you may find it. 

& than theres the moments & periods of peace
that seem to immediately follow 
the feeling of defeat
or the beginning of another storm 
making you feel tired and helpless
& this is where the devil verse speaks to me

The devil (fill in what this represents for you) 
brings a lot of darkness 
trials and tribulations
negative feelings
& battles
especially when we choose to soul grind them
head on. 

It can shake you but don't allow it to define you
& dance with you

so, let the rain be a reminder
as it is to me ...
to be still
to reflect
to have grace on yourself
to unclutch the control on your life 
let yourself weep
or smile uncontrollably 
to sit and be still
- so that you may
see the beauty in your life
your journey and growth 
& allow yourself to feel
it all

let the rain love on your soul today. 

Jam out to this today 
Ill be jamming with you.  



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