Body Shame Behind Dressing Room Doors

"Be careful how you speak to yourself because you are listening." 

Don't you wish everyday 
you could look at yourself in this way
...choosing to love the person who you see in the mirror. 
Adore her
Speak Sweetly to Her
Call her Beautiful & Lovely 
to look at her in awe & with pride
& touch her against the glass with beauty like this. 

Well, sometimes bathing suit season can bring on the ....
"Oh my, where has that been hiding?"
"What is that..."
"Ugh, I hate this..." 
"Man, I need to go on a diet"
"I could use 500 sit ups right about now..."
"Why have I been skipping the gym, again?"
"Am I letting myself go?"
"I am SO pale."
"Can these be a little more perky?"
"...a butt lift would be LOVELY."
"Where did my pre baby bod go?"
"....I bet she could pull this off, but I sure cant" 
"I'm just going to wear a cover up ...
don't need a bathing suit."
"How can I do this?"
Also spoken as....
"I'm going to shame the crap out of my self for the rest of the day" 

& than the continuous scrolling through social media doesn't help either...
"Shes pregnant and looks like that still?!"
"How do you get muscles there?"
"Man, her body is ROCKING..."
"She just had a baby & looks like that... 
why doesn't my after baby bod look like that?" 
"She looks great in that bathing suit/dress/outfit...I could never pull that off"
"Where are her stretch marks?"
"How did she lose all that weight?"
"She looks good in EVERYTHING." 
"Um, how do you sweat and look good at the same time?"
"I would love her...(you fill in the blank)"
"If I could just have that part or change this part...
I would be much happier with my appearance." 

& than after all that continuous negative thought processing & moments of jealousy...
negative banter
& scoping out all the different body types
body parts 
(of others you wouldn't mind borrowing something from)

Something very heartbreaking happens...

You look at yourself in the mirror.

& now when you look at yourself 
its like wishing the mirror had a filter...
and you began to see past your beauty 
forgetting the parts of your physical features you find stunning
& desirable 
& the mirror becomes a dry erase board...
scraping some parts off
imagining other parts added, boosted, erased
you begin to make a list of things to
 "change" in your head 
- as your eyes graze the image you see before yourself
& you start seeing what could be
what others have 
what you want fixed 
what makes you feel that self conscious knot in your stomach
instead of ....

Which is YOUR beauty. 

"If I asked you to name all the things that you love. How long would it take you to name yourself?" 

This quote rocked me.
because when asked that question...
I didn't name myself. 
I didn't even think of myself. 
I felt that was selfish
My thoughts: 
"You should only love OTHERS, not yourself..." 

You'll see in this soul grind journey...I'm finding myself wrong a lot hahah 
because in reality
who can truly love you better than you can love yourself? 
No one. 

So , if so....
You can love yourself?!
And that's not selfish or self righteous?!
You can appreciate yourself?!
You can accept compliments?!
You can say to yourself...
"woman, you look GOOD this morning/evening...ROCK it!"
& not be conceited? 

So, Ill get vulnerable. 

This night was so wonderful. 

but this getting ready process....
was full of self criticism. 
& this shopping experience was full of 
me talking harshly to myself 
and shaming myself. 

That's my truth. 

& going back in forth with...
You don't have the body for this
Maybe you could've worn this before little human, 
but not now... momma
You are a mother, this is too revealing
...will people think its too revealing?
are they going to see the body parts that you shame yourself for everyday
& think the same thoughts? 
You may be 26 but your body isn't...
Just stick with the other dress that is less tight 
& more fitting for your body 
don't stand out. 

..but when I came out of the dressing room
one of my best friends goes..
"You look great, I love should get it!" 

I took a second gander at the mirror 
by her smilingcoffee holding, beautiful self. 
and asked myself why I couldn't see what she did...

She didn't know what I had just told myself....
She shook me into my POWER of a woman 
and to see myself as beautiful 
& WORTHY of rocking this dress
that i really wanted to wear
& heck, even take a selfie at the event because 
I allowed myself to feel good 
feel sexy and marvelous 
walk with a pep in my step 

I allowed myself to be me & feel good in my own skin
Not just because the dress is incredible...
but because I let loose of 
what could be 
what the thoughts 
and judgments of others may be
& fully embraced 
what my body is now 

She totally empowered my soul
and helped me flipp my body shame
as I looked back in the mirror ...
without seeing the flaws 
I had pointed out 
while behind the dressing room door
& saw myself so differently 

& every time I saw it hanging in my room 
I found a new found POWER in that dress.
It is a bad A dress....
& I also was reminded 
how I need to speak myself
because at times it happens without me even recognizing it.
This harsh. 
"your not worthy" ramble.

I would never speak to another woman like this
So, why do I allow myself to speak to myself this way? 

Its no ones job, responsibility, obligation
 to love me
to love my body
& my flaws and insecurities

& obligation shouldn't even be the word..
the word should be honor

It is your honor to choose intentionally to love 
ALL of yourself
Soak that in. 

No one accompanies our thoughts
in the dressing room
at the gym 
in the mirror
as we are shopping
in the shower
as we are getting ready
as we are choosing what to wear
as we change 500 times 
as we compare ourselves to others
and  as we are examining our bodies and appearance...
as we make our way out into this world. 

Just us
This is both a beautiful thing and a curse. 

These negative intrinsic thoughts control:  
the way we view self 
& the way we function 
Our View of What we Deserve 
our Moods
our Voice 
Our Actions 
The Way we Allow Ourselves to Be Treated
Our ability to let love in 
Our ability to accept compliments
Our Ability to Feel Free
Our Ability to Compliment Others 
Or Feel Worthy of  Receiving Compliments
Our ability to Forgive Ourselves
Our ability to connect with Our Souls
& Our ability to have Confidence 
Our Ability to LOVE OURSELVES. 

I have had many different times of 
physical changes
I had the "baby fat" days
I had the young, awkward, brace faced, acne days
I had the "I'm worried about your weight" days
I had the six-pack work-out- ahoholic days 
I had the pregnant bod days
I had the after pregnant bod days
I had the "I'm eating so much and can gain weight" days 
I'm having the 
"What does a 26 year old body suppose to look like" days. 

I also have had years of self criticism 
deep deep nasty talk to self

My previous relationship
Instilled many many many criticisms in my brain
I would look in the mirror 
and EVERY single word from his mouth

That's all I saw. 
That's all I heard in my head. 
That's all I heard while at the gym
or while telling myself to go to the gym 
or while shopping
or while eating and choosing to indulge in sweets
Or while viewing others bodies
or simply while just looking at myself. 

At times, I hated My body
because it felt used, abused, and it disgusted me
because of what it had been called
what it had been used as 
what harsh words were spoken to it
what it had to wear 
what it had to endure
It was compared to other bodies 
& most of the time it wasn't good enough
so another better body replaced it 
My body was held to a very high standard
& to wasn't enough
My body was exhausted 
of continually trying to keep up
So, I began to tell myself the same as he did. 
These harsh criticisms that I heard continually
I started using on myself. 

I began to use his words as my ongoing thoughts. 
& this, in itself, is what heavily instilled my self doubt
my shaming self 
my view of my body
my demeaning and awful conversations 
I had and have with myself 
while standing in front of the mirror
and behind the dressing room door 
while getting ready in the morning 
or laying my head down to rest 
I still heard you. 

Man, this hurts my heart
 Who the hell are you to treat my body this way
or to speak to my body this way? 
To disregard and stomp on my worth 
and diminish my view of beauty 
to make my view of self microscopic 
without me even realizing it 

I allowed this. 
for very long. 
far too long. 
Its still not all gone....
But, I have found my truth 
& my view of self. 

So now I ask myself different questions....
Who the hell are you talking to? 
Why are you talking to yourself this way?
Why are you treating your beautiful soul and body this way? 
Why are you taking another humans perceptions and condescending words as your own?
Do you not see your worth woman? 
Where is your truth? THIS is not YOUR truth. 
Accept and Love yourself WOMAN. 
Yes, You allowed those
 thoughts and shouts, manipulations and lies
 of another being to...
creep into your mind, heart & soul
but you have the ability to also, 
redirect them....

Ask yourself
"Are these thoughts mine or theirs?"
"Does this empower my soul?"
"Do these thoughts Celebrate Myself 
& the Woman I am 
& the body I have been gifted?" 
"What do I LOVE about myself?"
What can I re learn to Love about myself?
How can I speak sweetly to myself today?
How am I gifted?
What do I find mesmerizing about myself? 
How Can I love myself today? 

Say to Yourself:
I am ME. 

Pull out that mirror
speak sweetly to yourself
re touch and re learn your body in a way that you can feel empowered by it
Choose what beauty means to you
SEE yourself. 
Silence the Words, Critisicms, and Judgements of those who try to define the woman you are 
Choose what are your thoughts, 
instead of the thoughts of others
Take those nasty words and criticisms of others 
and while your in the bathroom
flush them for all I care. 
They don't define you or serve you 

You deserve to see yourself just as beautiful 
as your loved ones do 
as the rest of the world does 
as those who share space with you see 

& Next 

& or go back and buy it if you left it behind


I see you. 
Your beautiful. 

I feel your pain in this journey
I am walking it with you. 
Be gentle with the process
It'll be worth it, love. 

Love yourself enough to see your worthiness. 
in every aspect of your life. 

I see you, now choose to see yourself. 


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