Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Self-Love Project Replica- Speak your truth

The Self-LOVE Project. 

"Being on a Spiritual path does not prevent you from facing times of darkness. But it teaches you how to use the darkness as a tool to grow." 

The self-love project that was surfacing and overflowing social media caught my heart strings. 

The message was beautiful. 
I felt today was the day to share my truth 
with those I know ...in a powerful way.

This brought forth unexpected emotions as I wrote down 
the words that have caused my heart and soul to ache for years. 
I could feel my heart begin to race, 
the tears begin to flow 
and my head begin to lower 
as I felt shame. 

Those words became my thoughts and my reality and I have carried them along with me as part of my identity.

These manipulative words became my truth.

I was silenced 
and to this person I was just a body 
that embodied no soul, no dreams, no power, no respect, no heart, no opinion, no future and nothing more than what this sign speaks of. 
The picture in itself still brings tears to my eyes because I know these lies I carried around effected the way I viewed myself, my body, my purpose, my love for myself and others, and my ability to feel as though my opinions and dreams mattered.

The next sign brought a huge smile to my face as I wrote it down boldly. 
The next picture embodies my soul, my laughter, my joy, my freedom, my accomplishments, my drive, my love for myself, the roles I have in this world, my confidence, and the love I have for the woman I am today and the beautiful life I live.
There is no silence here....yet I have found my roar! 

I felt such honor and joy and beauty in the truth that I am not those words & those lies. 

They do NOT define me or serve me any longer.

This is my truth-

I am not just a body I am JAYDEE.
I am also a loving mother, woman and social worker!!!!!


I love this woman and where she has come from, where she is now & for what she will continue to grow and Strive to be . There is still much to learn but I am loving the journey.

Today - I see the hurt in that women's eyes and that hand covering her mouth that silences her roar and I'm so humbled and grateful I no longer am in her seat or in that silence.

What lies do you listen to? What lies do you allow to steal your truth and your joy and your freedom? What words have become your thoughts?

Let them be silenced so that you may be set free from them and roar. You are beautiful and worthy of seeing yourself in the light that everyone else sees you in. Break free and allow yourself to feel good in your own skin and be brave enough to stand in that so people may see the beautiful soul that you have been hiding. Be free, love & be YOU.

Thank you lovely woman who took my pictures and empowered the process 

Friday, August 12, 2016

If I Knew What I know Now- Leaving an Abusive Relationship

"To not have your suffering recognized is an almost unbearable form of violence." 
Andrea Lankov

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someones inability to see your worth."

 I was about to become a momma.

My life had also completely shifted and was being rocked and rolled in so many different directions .

An emotional roller coaster and not the "beautiful" first pregnancy experience that I imagined while playing house as a child or when cuddled up at slumber parties...

 yet, it was actually the complete opposite: 
filled with 
 fighting and criticisms
 diminished self worth
 constant feelings of neglect
 and actual abandonment 

and without my little humans kicks reminding me, 
it would've felt utterly and painfully, 
dark and like complete exile and loneliness.

Those that love me during this 9 months and beyond,
 thank you from the bottom of my heart- 
because you held and hugged and listened and poured radical love on my weak spirit and growing body and soul
 & helped me continually find ways to make my first pregnancy, memorable 
& those moments are what I hold tight to.

...if I knew, than, what I know now...

I would've been so much more 
and tender
 and caring
 to myself
- this young lost girl carrying 
her greatest blessing 
and her first born...

& I would have empowered and lifted up 
her weak spirit, 
her defeated and wounded heart, 
her aching body 
and her depleted soul....

I would've told her to speak her truth 
and stand in her power 
and to shake off the words, 
physical actions 
and harsh judgments of others. 

I would've told her that she would be able to do this 
and fiercely, as a matter of fact,
 and with passion and love 

 I would tell her to love on herself,
 treat herself, 
and thoroughly enjoy her first pregnancy. 

I would've told her to believe in herself 
and not internalize others words and make them her own 
 & I would have told her 
 "everything would be alright and actually more beautiful than she ever imagined."

I would also tell her, she was beautiful, continually 
& that pregnancy does change your body
but its a beautiful transformation. 
I would have told her to not look in the mirror and hear his words and his touch on your skin when comparing the body, of not caring a child, to a body of carrying a child 
 i would've told her to rock those maternity clothes 

I would've told her that she will have loving support, 
that people will come along her side to battle life with her and to celebrate with her,
 and she will find a way to
 make it 
and to achieve her goals and dreams. 

I would have told her that she knows much more about loving her own little human than she could have ever imagined and that everyday she will learn something new. 

I would have told her to keep her head up 
 & that she, in the end, will rise from all of this.....

I would also tell her to trust her intuition and go with her heart and what she knew, without others manipulation, what was right.

 I would've told her that "No" is a beautiful word and she should add it to her vocabulary. 
I would've told her to stand up for herself 
and to value and cherish her body 
& the environment she surrounds herself in. 

I would've told her to listen to her loved ones when they had concerns. 
I would've told her that "love" doesn't force you to do things, doesn't physically place harm on you in any shape or form.

 I would tell her that love doesn't use
 "Im Sorry & it wont happen again"
 in continual day to day conversation. 
I would tell her love doesn't use 
manipulation and fear, 
as a way of 
"getting a point across" 

 love doesn't scream at you
 doesn't call you names- 
that wouldn't even call your worst enemies, 
while laughing and ending with "just a joke" 

 love doesn't point out your insecurities 
and shame you for not being perfect
love doesn't rage over anything and everything
love doesn't hide you from the world and those you love
love doesn't make you feel small so they can feel big
love doesn't mock your passion and your goals 
and tells you they aren't achievable
love doesn't leave continually and 
solely just come back to feed their selfish desires 
and I would tell you that walking away
and choosing to listen to your voice
....is not weak and does not make you the
 "bad guy" 
 It is powerful and every humans right. 

I would most importantly tell you that , 
& that you are worthy to be treated with respect 
and have love poured on you.

I would tell you that all this and more....

& than tell you lovingly that all this...isn't actually love, at all.

I would tell you, even the hardship and pain of your heart aching, because you fell for the antics, upon walking away... will be much more
 and more breathtakingly beautiful
 than you ever imagined.

I would also tell you, that all you felt you were before, and all the strength and independence you thrived with previously, that you felt was lost forever.... 

comes back

& that voice voice you felt was lost
comes back
& even stronger 
& you have the strength, now, to use it
& to empower others...

I would most like to tell her..
that she is worthy. 
so worthy. 

Today, I am free of Abuse for now over 1 year and 1/2.
When I left, I wouldn't be telling you that I would celebrate this day, because it was a painful experience. The healing definitely can be just as painful as the wound- but the freedom is even more beautiful than it is imagined upon walking away.

I cant go back and tell myself all of this....but I can tell others.

I hear you survivors. 
I see you. 
Man, I feel you. 

& for those who are contemplating walking away, 
finding their voices and also standing up for their worth

.....I challenge you to only listen to that voice...

tune the other lies and manipulations 
and "comfort" excuses out 
and choose to live a life of freedom
 and of authenticity

 Choose NOW to love yourself enough to set yourself free and to experience life in a beautiful and breathtaking way... 

you do not deserve to be shackled. 
You deserve to see love and experience love...

the kind that doesn't hurt.

You are worthy.

If you know or speak to anyone that is in this struggle... be that loved one that speaks their truth, that can sit with them and bring awareness to the things they many not be able to see themselves, because they are so heavily intertwined. 

Do this in LOVE and choose to be an advocate for their healing, their resiliency and their worth.

They have to walk away
 but you can be there while they contemplate, while they struggle to dig up their voice and while they find their truth & when they finally do make this step and leap ... you can be their to celebrate them and to be apart of this journey and be a witness to the unfolding of their soul radically and powerfully relive again.
I wouldn't want to miss that.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

The Face of Feeling- Grace With Experiencing Emotions

"Tear off the mask, your face is glorious."

This "feeling it all" thing is real
& you know what's crazy ....

I've never seen my eyes and their beauty when tears are overwhelming them.

 So, today I challenged myself 
to love myself in this 
and embrace it in a way...
 that I could see the art of my emotions in a new form. 
So, that in this new way, I could have grace on myself. 

This picture is what it looked like.

I felt smallness creeping up when I first looked at this but after I made myself sit in why I felt my smallness
 I realized how big it is and how radical it was that the only two times I remember seeing my tears beautifully placed on my face
 have been actually in the past two weeks.

I can't tell you the love and grace
 I've begun to embrace for myself-
this woman right here for all she 
has been 
all she is now
 and all she strives to be.

Tears and emotions don't make you weak.
They make you BRAVE & authentic.

My smallness comes from what I've been told and as I saw this picture & I saw my hand placed on my lips it spoke volumes to me and the way I silence, 
even myself 
& tell myself 
that I shouldn't be crying or feeling anything less than warrior energy.

 Is warrior energy all fight and straight face and  backbone and no love?

No, I was very wrong.

The sword of the peaceful warrior is LOVE
 and the ability to feel is part of your shield
 which makes fighting for
those you love, 
and your life 
meaningful and powerful and strong. 

We are meant to feel it all and grow and heal from it .

I have told my loved ones that this "feeling" this is a bit out of control because now I could weep over
 literally..... Anything.
 I cry in laughter,
I cry when a loved one or song or line from a book touches my soul,
 I cry when I'm angry and when I'm grieving,
I cry in fear and I belt out in sobs over my heart overflowing with love
- which has been beautifully where the tears have come from recently.

I challenge you next time to look at yourself,
feel the tears that grace your cheek
 and place your hand on your heart
& be overcome with gratitude and love that you are able to feel your way though life
 & live authentically.

I get jealous at times of those who never chose numbness and for those that this all comes so easy to them
 without my journey i wouldn't have been broken open and awakened in this way.

It has radically shifted the woman I am and 
my view of life in itself
which is so much more beautiful and meaningful
& for this journey....
I am blessed.

I think this may be one of my most beautiful looks
because it's me choosing to love myself
and allowing myself to feel.

 I challenge you and empower you to love yourself today
& whatever may be on your 
and soul.

Allow yourself to be authentic. 
& feel it all. 

Have Grace on Yourself. 
& love yourself through this time
You are WORTHY of the journey
and the beauty that comes from it.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Rainy days- Reflect on your past life.

"History is not a burden of the memory 
but an illumination of the soul." 
Lord Acton

Today, the Rain, in itself, 
shook me up. 
& I found myself, 
rolling down the window, 
and feeling the rain pour 
as I released my clamped fist. 
& just let go 
reflected on my past. 

This song, has been rocking my world the past 24 hours... 
and I've been intentionally  
jamming to it- feels good to my soul.  

Pulled into a parking spot
Grabbed my coffee on my rain kissed hand 
pulled up my feet, off the pedals 
pulled them against my chest
& weeped

This song, is like reminiscing through my life.
& I don't mind the few obscenities that
add emphasis to the impact of those chapters. 
& the obvious passion in his voice, during his soul grind. 

“I think happiness went the other way
Sometimes you just have to wait
I never believed in God
But things got so fucked up
That I had to pray…
Thinkin', everything will be all right
If we could get through the week
Maybe see another Saturday
I had a brown paper bag
St. Ides in that motherfucker
Around the city we smash
5-0 comin' then you know I'm running
Crawl into broken fences, when shit gets hard
You know who your friend is
And when I lose perspective
Need to go to a place where I lose reception
Looking at the satellites pass by
Reflecting on my past life
I can barely remember last night
Another morning, swearing it's the last time
Where would I be?
We can't start over, you don't get a new ID
I know the devil fancy me

But that don't mean the motherfucker get to dance with me”  

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis- St. Ides 

Almost 5 years ago
I left a doctor, just as today
& it was raining- just as it is today
and I got in a car and had the awakening of my life 

I curled my legs up against my chest
sat in a parking spot
as the rain poured on my car windows
& i weeped
just like today

That morning next to me was 
abortion, adoption, and pregnancy paperwork in my passenger seat
with release paperwork from the hospital stating I was pregnant
a phone that was dying & a pack of cigarettes
At this moment
I was rehearsing my previous months and year
& was weeping in deep fear
that it was never going to be alright 
that i was so messed up
that i was so unhappy
how could I be a mother? 
that i had no support 
what would my child think of me? 
"I never believed in God
But things got so fucked up
That I had to pray…" 

The sky had a dark tint that day also
I loved that 
if felt though no one else understood, the sky did. 
me & God & the universe bonded that day,
in the confines of my car. 
-just like today

as i starred out the window
marveled at the rain, 
which was welcoming my tears
 I wrapped my arms around my weak body
and rested my head against the steering wheel 

the sky and I were the same

That day 
i didn't mind walking in the rain 
or feeling it grace my skin
it seemed to wash away all the 
and dirtiness
 that i felt
and it cleansed me

the rain welcomed my skin with
"awaken beautiful soul..."
its time

That day, 
I didn't mind the rain
it suited me 
& felt like, the universe, understood

the rain felt like such comfort 
& a reason to allow myself to weep 
because the sky was, wasn't it?
I thought so. 

Today, as I parked...
curled up with my coffee & graced my hand against the rain
I had another awakening, just like that beautiful day 
& me and the sky bonded, once again
in the confines of my car

I reminisced over the past year and few months 

First, I looked at my passenger seat
& today there was pre- k enrollment paperwork 
dirty tennis shoes from hiking
a journal full of my heart & journey
headphones and a laptop
& my phone, fully charged, 
full of love from those who surround my life 
-who check in with me this morning and last night 
& poured some radical love on me

That's when the weeping began...

As i let the rain hit my hand
I felt the same awakening
the same cleansing 
& the same "come to jesus" moment
- this time in ultimate gratitude

In both moments
than & now
I found beauty

Than, in knowing, I loved the being in my belly
& I was about to radically change my life
-a shift. 

Today, in knowing, my life has made some beautiful leaps and bounds
surrounded by beautiful people

We have come a long way.
& the sky understands

This weeping was a different feeling.
it was allowing myself to feel
allowing myself to reminisce
and allowing myself to see our life, 
& the woman i am today
& not that woman
at that place of darkness 
& defeat
I was able to see the beauty that would have filled 
that woman's empty holes 
& that would have answered her many questions

I wish today, 
I could sit next to that woman
about to encounter a very difficult
and beautiful journey
& hold her 
show her a picture of the little man 
& the beautfiul soul he becomes
allow her to cry 
& take a drive
help her release her clutched hand into the rain
& tell her, "Its going to be alright." 

but that's a journey i had to endure 
& how beautiful it is to sit in the same place
with a much different shift. 

This time, spent in my car, today
was in reflection
of the last years journey

A year and 6 months free of Abuse 
I walked away from my abuser 
I became a Survivor
I chose my voice over submission and silence 
I began healing

A year and 3 months 
Living a Sober Lifestyle 
Choosing to reroute my numbing techniques
and shift my lifestyle 

A year and a few months
I chose to continue my education
Pursue my goals
get a second degree 

A year ago
A life shift happened
We found peace in the battle 
we grew 
Today, we see 
& gratitude. 
& safety. 

I sat in my seat today
with the rain
for many different reasons
I wept with that woman
& I wept with this woman. 
& I  RADICALLY love them both. 

I think these woman would've loved each other
This woman, the woman I am now...
would've loved on her, 
held her, supported her & empowered her
& I think that woman, than, 
 would've admired and felt very proud of this woman

My favorite part of St Ides Lyrics by Macklemore is...
"I know the devil fancy me 
But that don't mean the motherfucker get to dance with me” 

Some times 
life just seems to be 
storm after storm 
battle after battle
trial after tribulation
and you are just 
& praying
or screaming 
& so restless 
& so defeated 
& on your knees asking for ....
the calm

I have had storm after storm...
Battle, after battle after battle
& some days Im like...
alright, where is the calm after the storm? 

& sometimes it rains on purpose
to allow yourself to sit
curl up 
hold yourself
 fall to the ground
extend the clutched hand 
and let the rain pour grace on you 
and an offer an opportunity to find
your calm 

Even just for a minute
before work
before a class
before picking up the kids 
before a meeting
after the kids go to bed
while parking the car
on a break 

Let the rain 
& grace
of silence
pour love on...
your restlessness
your warrior mode
your defeat
your pain 
your heartache
your storm
your grief 
your journey
the person , you are today. 

For a minute 
release that tight fist
roll down the window 
as the rain pours
take a break from the fight 
& embrace the sword of love
and stick your hands out
release a sigh, cry, or scream of relief
& allow yourself to feel 
& reflect 

allow the universe to love on you
& allow you to reflect 
on your  
beautiful journey
of who you are, where you have come  
and the soul you are...today 

There is beauty in your struggle
& your fight, loves. 
Allow yourself to dig deep, so that you may find it. 

& than theres the moments & periods of peace
that seem to immediately follow 
the feeling of defeat
or the beginning of another storm 
making you feel tired and helpless
& this is where the devil verse speaks to me

The devil (fill in what this represents for you) 
brings a lot of darkness 
trials and tribulations
negative feelings
& battles
especially when we choose to soul grind them
head on. 

It can shake you but don't allow it to define you
& dance with you

so, let the rain be a reminder
as it is to me ...
to be still
to reflect
to have grace on yourself
to unclutch the control on your life 
let yourself weep
or smile uncontrollably 
to sit and be still
- so that you may
see the beauty in your life
your journey and growth 
& allow yourself to feel
it all

let the rain love on your soul today. 

Jam out to this today 
Ill be jamming with you.